


It's Not Far Down to Paradise

by flyinghigh1223



Category: Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, Popslash
Genre: Anxiety, Brian Needs a Hug, Cheating, Depression, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hand Jobs, M/M, Phone Sex, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:22:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27611317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flyinghigh1223/pseuds/flyinghigh1223
Summary: Brian's life is complicated with Nick, his life is also complicated with Leigh-Anne so to make things more complicated, he meets JC in an elevator. Who is hell-bent on stealing the show.
Relationships: Brian Littrell/Leighanne Littrell, JC Chasez/Brian Littrell, Nick Carter/Brian Littrell
Comments: 5
Kudos: 17





	1. The Devil Tempts Him

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfic was just something that came to my mind that I started writing for fun, with out any real destination for it. I think I started writing it in 2016 before going on a four year hiatus, I honestly didn't think I would start writing again. This was one of the fanfictions that I started back with and decided to post.
> 
> I guess there's no real timeline here, I know that N*Sync and the Backstreet Boys met in probably '97, I'm not sure but not in this universe. This takes place in 1999, don't take this too serious as some facts are more than likely wrong and the timeline is probably a mess compared to the actual events. Like I said, this was something I was writing for myself and never intended to post it so I wasn't concerned with the correct time of events. If you can get passed that than I hope your able to enjoy the story. I had fun writing it and I hope you have fun reading it!

The devil tempts him.

_All the time._

Brian knows he’s a good man and that his fellow band mates are good men as well. They all have their faults and he doesn't _judge_ them for it, he never would because he isn’t their judge, what right does he have? But the fresh smell of weed burns too strongly from just down the hall, sticking to the walls and carpets almost impossible to be rid of and Brian is almost, _almost_ tempted to join them.

He knows it’s just Nick and AJ, Kevin would never join them and Howie freaked out the last time he tried it. Brian has never tried it himself, was never interested, but the hazy look in Nick’s eyes, the way you can literally watch the stress slip out of AJ’s shoulders, Brian envy’s that.

The pressure of fame is almost enough to make him crumble in on himself. He can literally feel himself being stretched too thin, like someone is pounding on the inside of his head desperate to get out while he’s desperate to figure out what's reality and what’s not. He finds his mind can barely tell the difference anymore and he wishes he were more like Nick or AJ, wishes he could let himself get lost in the drugs and alcohol so for just a moment his mind can find peace.

It's in those times he finds himself on his knees and he talks to Him, prays for strength for himself and for his boys. The Lord comes through every time and this time isn’t any different.

When he wakes in the morning it’s to Kevin banging on his door, like a mad man, voice loud and booming as he calls for him. “Yo Bri, get up! We gotta be up!”

Brian pushes off the bed, tugging up his shorts where they turned awkwardly around his narrow hips, and pulling the door open. Kevin pokes his head in, jabbing his thumb over his shoulder.

“I got AJ but I need you to get Nick, won’t listen to me for shit,” he says before ducking out, he hears his knocking on Howie’s door next. Brian sighs, brushing his teeth first before making his way two doors down the hall to AJ’s room. He doesn’t have to knock, the door is already cracked open.

The room is a complete mess, pizza boxes on the floor that he toes out his way as he steps further into the room. Left over room service covers the oak coffee table and bags of chips liter the white comforter on the bed. AJ is already in the bathroom, door cracked open to let out steady steam from his running shower. It smells like stale beer and distinctively of skunk (an open bag of weed laying in this mess somewhere). He cringes and steps in close enough to see Nick’s big feet poking out on the floor from the other side of the bed.

He’s lying just under the window on the other side of the room, pillow over his head so Brian can’t see his face. He looks even bigger somehow spread out on the floor, like he’s taking up more space than he actually is. He’s in a gray t-shirt and black basketball shorts that he recognizes as his own.

Brian brushes some bags off the bed so he can sit down, cradling his chin in thought. He has to pick his words carefully here, Nick is almost unpredictable and it mostly depends on how shitfaced he got the night before. If he got really fucked up, he’ll want to be babied, if he didn’t get too messed up then he’ll be super pissy. Brian, unlike the others, is equipped to handle either situation.

From the way Kevin made it sound, this was going to be a pissy Nick. And if he was going to be a little asshole then Brian was going to have to be stern with him.

He stands from the bed, crossing his arms over his chest. “Nick,” he calls, toeing at his lower thigh.

“Fuck off,” groans Nick, hand swinging down towards his foot. Brian dodges him easily, bringing his foot back to nudge him in the ass this time.

“Be a good boy and get up Nick, we got things to see and fans to please,” he tries again. Nick swings another time, missing but just barely.

“Seriously, Brian, fuck off!”

Brian purses his lips. “Is it your back?” he asks. Nick is in a good kind of bad mood, one that can easily be fixed. His body must ache, head, stomach, back, Brian just has to help make the pain go away and they should be good to go anywhere. He places one foot near Nick’s hip, bringing the other to his other side. He lowers himself down to sit on his ass, cracking his knuckles before pressing his palms to the top of Nick’s back.

“Oh my God,” groans Nick, annoyed to even being touched but he won’t be crying when Brian cracks the shit out of his back. He presses hard, leaning his full weight down into his hands, pushing along his spine. It’s on the second time up, just in the middle of his back that Brian feels it give with a satisfying pop. Nick groans again letting out a different kind of “Oh my God.”

Brian pushes the pillow off his head to better gauge his reaction and as expected there’s a small blissful smile on his face. “Good?”

“You’re so fucking good at that,” sighs Nick. “I think it even made my head feel better.”

Brian smiles, patting his back. “C’mon, I’ll get you some breakfast but you got to be nice to everyone, sound like a deal?”

Nick shrugs, eyes drifting shut. “Depends on if you’re getting me pancakes or not.”

“Extra syrup with a side of aspirin.”

“Deal.”

By the time Nick is dressed and fed, everyone is waiting on them. His mood is only a little bit better but he doesn’t bite AJ’s head off when he steals the last flavored bottle water before they get on the plane so it’s a good start.

Brian had never intended to raise some one. When he joined this band he never planned to take on a thirteen year boy who would become like his little brother.

He never planned to be there for him this way, to be the one to hold him when he cried out into the night, tears on his face with fears he was too young to understand. He never wanted to have to make sure he was getting enough sleep, enough to eat, that he was training his voice correctly and doing his homework after his three hours of ‘school’ while they were on the road.

Kevin helped too, was the stern one always there to make sure AJ wasn’t letting Nick fuck up too much. Brian was the one Nick went to when that first girl gripped his heart and nearly ripped it right out his chest. When the ache of his home long lost now bore down on him so much so it stole his breath and tears stained his cheeks because he never had the warm embrace of his mother or the rough encouragement of his father.

Nick belonged to Brian in ways that no one had ever belonged to Brian. He looks at him now, grown taller than Brian, takes in the ways he’s fuller and boyish and as the days grow long and drag out blurring into one another Brian watches Nick drifting slowly in and out of his reach. There one day and gone the next, near him then far, in and out like the breeze that passes through his hair, brief and refreshing while it’s there. He can only watch as Nick wonders down a road, dark and twisted, a path he can’t follow.

They land in LA and head straight to the MTV Video Music Awards. It’s held in a huge venue and they’re seated in front of LL Cool J and behind the Spice Girls, who are loud and lively and distracting enough to steer him from the weird sentimental path his thoughts took.

Britney performs with *Nsync and her performance is average at best. But *Nsync, they’re better. Brian doesn’t think as a group they’re as good as Backstreet. Justin and JC far out shine the other members making it seem like a two man show with back up dancers. A trained ear can pick up the harmonies the other three bring but it’s nothing extraordinary, simple arrangements Brian knows him and his boys could do in their sleep.

But Brian doesn't miss the appeal. Justin is pretty with a voice high and soft, beautiful in the way it flows in and out, effortlessly. His voice is in complete contrast with JC’s, whose is just a little more versatile, picking up loud and just a little rough after Justin brings the audience in. Justin pulls them in, grabs their attention; JC’s role is to keep them there. It works, they balance each other out, keep the group together.

But Backstreet brings more to the table, their choreography might not be as hard, their music not as hip but their harmonies are far more complicated, each member bringing something of their own, their lyrics more meaningful, deeper. *Nsync won’t last. Not that Brian’s bitter or anything, he just likes to state facts.

He huffs, he’s not much of a drinker but he thinks he’ll indulge a bit tonight. The after party is loud and crowded and AJ is two drinks away from being incarcerated. Brian sips slowly from his drink in the back corner, out of habit his eyes drift around until they find Nick, tucked away in another corner, drink in his hand and girl on his arm. He doesn’t look nearly as drunk as AJ but he is, Brian can tell by the way his lips curve up, like he has a secret he’s dying to tell, his blue eyes are low lidded, unfocused and he’s slouched just the slightest bit.

To be honest, Brian isn’t in the mood to take care of him tonight. A sober Nick is becoming scarce, only showing when they're performing or in a meeting. Some part of him blames himself, this whole thing only started after he met Leigh-Anne, but seriously isn’t he old enough now to think about finding someone to be serious with? Brian likes to think so, although it’s never been said out loud, things are different between him and Nick, a different dynamic he can’t explain, he’s not sure if he likes it.

He pushes up, making his way to where Kevin is leaning long and tall against the back wall. He’s talking to producers but Brian doesn’t care when he interrupts. “Keep an eye on Nick for me.” He says gesturing towards his younger band mate.

Kevin arches thick eyebrows. “You going somewhere?”

“Back to the hotel, look out for him, okay? He’s fucked up already.”

Kevin sighs glancing in Nick’s direction. “Why don’t you take him with you?”

“I’m not in the mood to play mommy.”

Kevin’s eyes narrow and Brian sighs, shaking his head. “C’mon, I ain't mean it like that. I’m just tired tonight is all, are you going to look after him or not?”

Kevin nods, “Yeah, I’ll look after him.”

“Good, I’ll see you in the morning.” He doesn’t wait for Kevin’s reply. He pushes through the crowd, nodding towards Howie when he catches his eye. The hall is empty when he pulls the door open, the air cool and refreshing the moment it hits his face. He leans against the wall for a moment, the two drinks he did have making his head spin. He’s never had a great tolerance for alcohol.

When the hall stays in place for longer than three seconds he makes his way towards the elevator. He pushes G floor when he’s inside, leaning back against the wall again as the doors begin to close.

“Wait! Wait! Hold that!

Because he’s not a dick, Brian rushes forward to push the ‘open door’ button as a hand reaches between the small opening to push the doors back open. JC slides in smoothly, smiling breathlessly at him.

“Hey, thanks man.”

“No problem.”

Brian shifts, crossing his arms behind his back and taking hold of his wrist to help keep them there. Silence falls upon them, not awkward but the elevator suddenly seems to be moving noticeably slower.

“Ya’ll put on a real good performance tonight,” he says, he’s not lying. JC smiles, glancing at him from the corner of his eye.

“Thanks, man.” Brian doesn’t think he’s drunk but JC has definitely had a few drinks. His blue eyes are glazed over, lips shiny from either lip gloss or licking them, Brian can’t tell. He’s firm on his feet, doesn’t sway the way Brian does when the elevator gives a jerk. “You’re the first Backstreet Boy I've met in person. It’s nice to meet you.”

Brian almost misses what he says because he’s pretty sure the elevator just stopped moving. “Yeah, nice to meet you too. Are we moving?”

“No but don’t worry, it totally bugged out like this earlier. It’ll start up again soon.” JC is calm, arms crossed in front of him like how Brian’s are behind him. He’s in a dark green sleeveless shirt that show off his arms, Brian can admit JC has biceps to rival his own, and long black baggy pants. “Not enjoying the party?”

Brian shakes his head, looking away because he’s starting to notice the way JC’s clothes are a bit wrinkled, his black hair just a bit messy. “No, I just needed to clear my head.”

“I know the feeling.”

The elevator still isn’t moving. Brian takes a breath, his spine stiff and sweat starting to dampen the back of his neck. If this elevator doesn’t start soon he might actually start to freak out. He’s fine in small spaces, never had a problem with elevators before but he’s suddenly aware of the air around him, or lack thereof, he can feel the walls around him, can feel JC’s heat next to him and maybe it’s the alcohol but all of it just seems like a bit too much right now.

“So I hear we hate each other.”

Brian smiles, opening his eyes that he wasn’t aware of even closing. They feel heavy now and he struggles for them to focus on JC, who is taller than him and smiling, small but secretive in a way that reminds him of Nick’s. His eyes shining with amusement, head tilting slightly to the side to make him look more enduring than he probably is.

“Yeah, never met before but hate each other’s guts. A true rivalry,” Brian plays along.

JC laughs and Brian notices the flush of his cheeks. “It’ll be known for decades to come, the fiercest rivalry of all time,” he chuckles. “Such _shit_.”

His mouth slurs around _shit_ finally exposing how drunk he actually is and Brian can’t help laughing, face splitting on a grin. JC covers his mouth like it’ll push the word back inside.

“Aww shit,” he chuckles. “I’m fucked up, this isn’t how our first meeting was supposed to go!”

“You thought of our first meeting?” asks Brian and for some reason that’s funny too so he laughs harder, holding his sides where they start to ache.

JC laughs too, bending forward as he nods. “Yeah, but there are four other members around and I tell AJ I like his style cause he’s pretty cool.”

“AJ?” blurts Brian covering his smile with his hand as he sobers up a bit. “He’s your favorite?”

JC runs his fingers through his hair, other hand on his stomach as he takes a breath. He nods, smile melting into that knowing smirk. He’s charming, Brian will give him that .But AJ is lame in comparison to himself, he decides. He’s competitive and the thought of not being JC’s favorite Backstreet Boy suddenly doesn’t sit well with him, it’s funny though because an hour ago he wouldn’t have cared.

He shakes his head. “I could change your mind.”

The elevator jerks to a start.

JC’s lids lower just a bit, Brian might not have noticed if he wasn’t paying so much attention to him. JC seems interesting but not in an attention seeking way, forcing Brian to give him all his attention just because. He hadn’t meant to come off as a flirt but he can see the way JC takes it, not as the challenge it was supposed to be. Brian holds his breath, he doesn’t know JC well enough to tell which way he’ll go. If he’ll back off or come closer, if he’ll play it off or become offended.

Brian has never come on to a man before and he wasn’t now but his tongue is thick in his mouth, palms sweaty and it’s too late to back track now.

“Okay,” JC says slowly, he leans forward and that deceptive smoothness has returned as he reaches to press his fingers against the big red ‘stop’ button. “Change my mind.”

Brian hears it for the challenge it is. Brian isn’t AJ, he doesn’t cross lines that he can’t uncross later.

But the devil tempts him.

_All the time._

He’s never wanted to be anyone else but himself. He’s blessed and he knows this, is grateful. But right now in this moment, he wants to be more like AJ, who wouldn’t care that JC is a man. He wants to be more like Nick, who wouldn’t care that they just met and he barely knows him.

JC smiles, bright and charming, a smile that forces his eyes to squint, a glint like he knows something that Brian doesn’t. “You’re cute, Brian, it was a nice try.”

He pushes the ‘stop’ button and the elevator starts again.

Brian reaches a crossed him to stop it again. “I’ve never been with a man.”

JC starts it. “I can tell.”

Brian stops it. “And you have?”

“Will you stop? We’ll break it,” sighs JC, eyes on the numbers above the doors as he starts it again. “It’s not complicated, just like being with a woman except you don’t have to learn anything _new_.”

“I’m not like that.”

“I don’t put a label on it,” JC says as the doors open. “I just like to fuck. This life we live is hard, Brian, and it helps take some of the edge off. That’s it.”

Take some of the edge off.

Neither one of them move until JC reaches up to stop the doors from closing.

“I’m heading to my hotel but if you let me know now that you’re interested, I’ll come to yours.”

This. Is. Mind blowing.

Brian is at a loss for words. This is a whole new realm for him, something he never dreamed would happen, something he never _wanted_ to happen. His world is slowly tilting, his vision just a little bit blurry around the edges and heart beating just a bit too fast in his chest. JC is looking at him, hand in his pocket while the other keeps the doors from closing, patient smile on his lips.

“I think you should loosen up,” JC says, his eyes drift down and Brian can feel his gaze like a physical touch. “Looks like you could use it.”

“You think I’m uptight?” Brian asks.

JC rolls his eyes. “Well you’re no AJ.”

_That_ does it.

Twenty minutes later Brian is standing in front of his door, trying to slide his key card in over and over. He’s hunched over enough to keep JC from seeing the way his fingers tremble.

“Having issues?” JC sighs from behind him.

Brian lets his head hit off the door. “The less tipsy I am the more obnoxious you become.”

JC snorts a laugh before he’s suddenly _there_ crowding in Brian’s space, hand coming over his shoulder to support himself on the door frame while the other snakes around his waist to cover his hand. Brian stops breathing because JC feels huge behind him, broad chest pressing into his back.

JC guides his hand, sliding the key card into the slot on the first try. “Easy,” he breathes against his ear and Brian actually _shivers._

Brian pushes the door open, nearly tripping over his own feet to put space between them. JC is smirking when Brian turns around; leaning against the door frame he crosses his arms over his chest. “You sure you want to do this? After a certain point there's no going back.”

Brian is pretty sure he understands that more than anyone. He’s been asking himself that same question the entire ride here. But his fingers are buzzing with barely suppressed energy; it’s that edge he wants taken off. It’s that itch he’s been desperate to scratch.

If he doesn’t do something he thinks he might actually go crazy with it. Sleepless nights, jumpy and pulled tight, thin and to the point of no return. He might be saving himself from doing something even more stupid down the line.

He tosses his key card onto the end table, shrugging his jean jacket off. “The key to the mini bar is in the top right dresser, make yourself at home.”

JC doesn’t move for a moment, studying him before giving one brief nod and shutting the door behind him. Brian doesn’t think that it’s important now but he goes to the bathroom to actually try and freshen up. He brushes his hair, then his teeth and then debates on actually getting in the shower but he doesn’t want to keep JC waiting and he doesn’t want to put on clothes he’s just going to take right back off. Besides, he doesn’t want too much time alone, too much time to over think this.

When he emerges from the bathroom, JC is laying back on his bed, flipping through his Nintendo games.

“Nick and I play together all the time,” Brian says, just to announce his presence. JC glances up at him, sending him a brief smile.

“Justin and Joey play like every damn day, it’s ridiculous. They’re killing brain cells, I swear.”

“You mean you don’t play? Maybe you’re the one that should loosen up,” he mumbles as he moves around his room, picking up just to keep himself busy. From the corner of his eye he can see JC putting his games back where he found them, stacking them neatly next to his console.

“Maybe you should stop being a smart ass and come here.”

Brian arches his eyebrows up into his forehead and letting out a huff leans back against the small round table in the center of his room. “It’s my hotel room,” he says. He points to the floor at his feet. “ _You_ come here.”

They stare at each other for moment, neither backing down but nerves aside Brian will be damned if he lets JC think he’ll be telling him what to do in his own hotel room.

JC’s lips twitch into a smirk and he pushes off the bed as gracefully as one of his dance moves. He takes long strides a crossed the room placing his hands on the table on either side of Brian’s hips, leaning over him, breathing his air. Brian’s instincts are to lean away, to put space between them but he holds still, letting JC into his personal space.

“Now what?” he sighs.

Brian clears his throat, gripping the table behind him, his hands brush against JC’s. “You can kiss me.”

JC snorts a laugh right into his face.

He leans back, covering his mouth and Brian might actually punch him in the face. Why the fuck is he laughing? Is he seriously making fun of him right now? Isn’t that how this is supposed to go, isn’t this why JC is even here?

“I’m sorry,” snickers JC. “Your accent got thick as fuck just now.”

Brian rolls his eyes, leaning off the table. Fuck this. He’s not going to do any of this if he’s going to get made fun of for his accent.

JC leans into him, pressing him back into the table and cupping the back of his neck, successfully taking his breath away. “No,” he whispers, smile still on his lips. “It’s sexy.”

JC has thicker lips than him.

Everyone has thicker lips than him but JC’s seem extremely noticeable when he kisses him. They kiss slowly, so very slowly that Brian gets easily lost in it, parting his lips to breath in JC’s lost pants. JC hums while they kiss, not moans but more like appreciative noises that make Brian’s spine melt, forcing him to go just a bit slump against the table.

JC leans further into him, licking between his lips to taste his mouth. His tongue strokes lazily, only pulling out to bite tenderly at his bottom lip and Brian’s knees actually buckle under him just a bit because it’s been a long time since he’s been kissed like this. So thoroughly.

Brian pulls away to pant wetly again his chin, JC’s mouth brushes along his nose, moist and Brian only has one thought. “My lips are thin.”

“That’s alright,” breathes JC. “You make up for it with your tongue.”

He kisses him again.

It’s a bit more desperate this time and Brian’s head spins, around and around. Brian grips his sides, running his hands up along his ribs and around his waist to his back. He pulls him closer, feeling arousal lick down his spine like flames. He’s burning from the inside, can feel JC’s heat against his skin. He’s dying in it, wrapped up in him against this table. JC could probably tell Brian his name was Earl and Brian would agree because his teeth keep tugging and his tongue keeps doing this thing and deep down Brian knows he shouldn’t be enjoying this so much.

JC presses just a bit harder against him, hard enough that the table bites almost painfully into his lower ass. But that’s far from his mind when his hips grind up, slow and hard against his just one time.

JC shudders against him and Brian lets out a noise he’ll be embarrassed to admit later was actually him.

“Okay?” pants JC and Brian nods, fingers digging into his shirt. “Can I touch you?”

If they weren’t to that point of no return before then they’ve definitely reached it now.

Brian nods again.

JC shakes his head, lips trailing down to drag along his jaw. “Tell me.”

“You can touch me.”

His accent is thick again. JC doesn’t laugh.

He’s quick to undo the first button of Brian’s pants and pull the zipper down to force his hand side. Brian’s heart flutters in his chest, legs opening wider out of instinct. His dick is already hard, has been since JC started that humming shit. He closes his eyes, mouth dry and he pants into JC’s shoulder like he ran a mile until he finally, _finally_ gets his hand around him.

Brian’s hips jerk and he can’t help the way he grinds forward, smashing JC’s hand and his dick against his hip. He grinds slow and hard a good three times before he can get himself to stop. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he pants but it was so good, that first contact enough to make him lose his mind.

“It’s okay, it’s good,” groans JC and he twist his wrist, dragging his hand down the length of his cock. Brian’s head falls back and he doesn’t know why it feels this good, is it the roughness of his fingers, of his palm? Or how fucking _big_ his hand is, wrapped around him so tight Brian thinks it should actually hurt at this point. He doesn’t know what it is he just knows he wants him to never _stop._

JC licks up his neck, hand finding a slow rhythm that Brian listlessly rocks his hips into. He can already feel his orgasm creeping up his spine, pulling tight at his gut. His dick is getting wet at the tip, giving enough that JC’s hand slides easily along him, he moves it a bit faster and Brian lets his head fall back forward, forehead pressing into his shoulder and Brian suddenly wants more.

He wants JC closer, wants his lips around the head of his cock, sucking him deep, sucking him off.

JC’s hand jerks. “Fuck yeah, I can do that, suck your dick I mean.”

Did he say that out loud?

“Shit, JC,” he hisses eyes closed so tightly he fears he might not actually be able to open them again. His hand is too slick now but he has the perfect rhythm and just the thought of his mouth on him makes Brian’s balls pull up tight and --

“ _Yeah_.”

And then he’s coming, hips shuddering and toes curling into the carpet. His breath hitches in his throat, nails digging through JC’s shirt as he comes and comes, spilling over his hand and filling his pants. Wave after wave hits him and JC strokes and strokes, wet and messy, thumb flicking the head and Brian actually _whimpers_ another sound he’ll later deny.

Brian’s palms reach behind him to support his weight as he tries to regain his breath. It was just a hand job but it’s probably been years since he came like that. When his mind starts to clear he notices the way JC is slump over him, hips grinding against Brian’s thigh.

“Shit, let me--”

“No, no, just--”

JC doesn’t finish. His hands, mess and all, grip the edge of the table using it to pull himself closer. Brian can feel how hard he is, pressed tight against his hip. JC fucks against him only a few more times before his jaw goes slack and his eyebrows pinch together, looking like he’s actually in pain.

It’s arousing as fuck.

His whole body goes limp against him when he’s finished, breath rushing out hot and moist against Brian’s neck. “ _Fuck.”_

Brian doesn’t let himself freak out.

He’s surprised at how much he liked it, he really _liked_ it. So after they get cleaned up and JC is heading out the door, Brian accepts his phone number and promises to call the next time they’re in the same city again.

He sleeps like a baby that night, until Nick comes to him, drunk and sloppy and _sad_. Brian can’t bring himself to open the door.


	2. When It Gets The Best of Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Trigger Warning*
> 
> This chapter may be triggering to anyone who has or may have experienced anxiety and panic attacks. Discretion is advised.

He doesn’t think what he did with JC was necessarily a bad thing. He felt too good; everything was too good for it to be a bad thing, right? He prays on it, and prays some more because Nick ignores him for three days and Brian can barely look Leigh-Anne in the eyes.

He can tell she notices something is wrong, she’s smart, she knows him. So she knows not to say anything, she’ll wait for him to come to her when he’s ready.

It’s one of the things he loves about her, her patience, her understanding. But he doesn’t think he’ll be able to come to her about this. He knows he should at least feel guilty about it, that he messed about with someone else behind her back but he doesn’t because the tension he carried in his shoulders is gone and it might be selfish but he feels good, even though Nick is pissed at him, even though Leigh-Anne will never know, he feels good because he _finally_ did something for himself.

Weeks pass and Nick comes around again, never able to stay away for long. Brian doesn’t regret not opening the door that night but he does wish Nick hadn’t become a brat about it. He needs to understand that Brian isn’t always going to be around to clean up after him. He loves him to death, would do anything for him but Nick is at that point where responsibility becomes a reality and not just something he hears about.

They do show after show only cancelling once because Howie picks up some kind of virus that keeps his head in the toilet. They get three days off because of it and Brian thinks they’re catching a break here.

Nick and AJ go out and Kevin locks himself in his hotel room planning to send the whole night on the phone with Kristen. Brian makes himself at home in Howie’s hotel room, bag of chips on his stomach as he lies back on the bed. Howie is in the bathroom, throwing up his dinner. He can’t keep anything down.

“What about crackers?” Brian calls. “I’ll have room service bring crackers.”

Howie mumbles something Brian can’t understand. He shrugs, picking up the phone. He orders crackers for Howie and wine for himself. He hasn’t had an alcoholic beverage since his night with JC and nothing calls for wine tonight but he wants some now, nothing wrong with that. Howie comes from the bathroom as he’s hanging up the phone, hair pulled back and skin pale.

“So what's been going on with you and Nick?” Howie asks, curling up under the blankets next to him on the bed. Brian isn’t surprised by the question, he’s just surprised it’s being brought up now, when Howie is sick and weak. Is he really up for having this conversation right now?

“Nothing, he’s been hanging out a lot with AJ, smoking that weed and getting drunk every night and you know that’s not me, Howie, I don’t like that shit.”

He feels irritation tugging at his chest, making him grind his teeth. Nick is old enough to make his own decisions now and if this is the road he wants to go down, Brian won’t follow him.

“Yeah, I know, but you know he’s only doing this because you spend all your time with Leigh-Anne now, right?” Howie isn’t ever an asshole but he’s being one now.

Brian’s eyes narrow as he turns to look at him. “So you’re saying this is my fault?”

“No, but--”

“I can’t tell him what to do anymore, Howie,” Brian pushes off the bed, letting his bag of chips fall to the floor. He’ll stay in his own room tonight.

He only remembers he ordered room service after he’s shut his door. Maybe Howie will benefit from the crackers but he’ll leave the wine there for Brian in the morning.

Because unlike most Howie isn’t an ass and after a while Brian starts to feel like one for storming out on him like that.

\--

An unknown number calls him just as their opening act starts up the show. JC doesn’t answer become more fans get his number than you’d think. The person leaves a voice mail and he deems that safe enough to give a listen.

He sits down in his makeup chair, Krista running her fingers through his hair as she grabs the hair gel. JC sighs, pressing his phone to his ear. He doesn’t hear anything at first, just rustling of clothes before someone sighs.

_“Hey, it’s Brian.”_

Holy shit.

 _Brian clears his throat._ JC can already tell he’s nervous. _“This isn’t something I usually do, I mean, I shouldn’t be calling. Shit, listen, things have been kinda weird around here lately and I was just wondering if--”_

 _“Bri, you're on the phone? C’mon, we’re going on.”_ JC doesn’t know who that is, maybe AJ.

_"Alright, I’m coming.” He sighs. “Listen, give me a call…when you can.”_

He sounds sad and it kind of breaks JC’s heart a little bit if he’s being honest. He hasn’t thought much about Brian since their random hook up and he gave him his number not actually expecting him to call. He doesn’t know the man very well on a personal level, like everyone else he knows what the media tells him and what he’s seen in the small amount of interviews he has actually seen.

Brian doesn’t seem like the kind of guy to be depressed and he’s got to be desperate to be reaching out to someone he barely knows. He doesn’t even know where he is, if he’s in the country. JC isn’t a fucking dick, if Brian needs somebody that bad, he can at least see what he can do.

JC calls him back while he’s changing. Brian doesn’t answer. He’s probably still on stage.

“Call me around 10 tonight if you can, I’ll be done with everything by then.” Is the voicemail he leaves for him.

He performs and sweats his ass off, sings his heart out and dances until he’s sure every limb is no longer connected to his body. Justin is still high on energy as they pile into the van, Joey laughing at everything he does, encouraging him as he yells at the windows, frustrated they can’t open. Lance sits next to him, always a soft silent presence. Chris talking softly on the phone in the front is soothing and JC rest his head back, listening to the high hum of Chris’s muffled words and the low hum of the van engine.

He wants to tell Justin and Joey to shut up but his head is starting to throb and he isn’t really in the mood to fight right now. He glances down at his phone, it’s only 9:30, if traffic is good he’ll be in his room and showered by the time Brian calls.

A hand on his shoulder brings him from his thoughts.

“We’re hanging out in Justin’s room tonight, you coming?” Joey asks.

JC shakes his head. “No, man, I’m good.”

“Plans?” Lance says, voice deep enough to cut through Justin’s sudden chirping of Britney’s songs. JC shakes his head again, arching a brow at him.

Lance is observant as fuck; there is literally nothing JC can get passed him. Lance shrugs, looking back out the window. If he was nosy he would have asked more questions but Lance is good at minding his own business even when he always knows something is going on.

It’s a quarter after ten when he steps out of the shower, his phone rings exactly two minutes later.

“I’m sorry I called late. If I’m being honest I wasn’t going to call at all.”

JC chuckles, “I was only calling you back, you called me first.”

“Yeah, I know, I probably shouldn’t have. This was stupid, a bad idea.”

JC laughs, rubbing a towel over his head before tossing it on the floor. He makes his way into the room, pulling boxer shorts out of his bag. “Will you relax?” he asks.

Brian sighs, shifting on his end and JC suddenly wants to know where he is and what he’s doing. He must be alone, this _friendship_ or whatever it is doesn't have to be a secret but Brian could barely manage to call him and JC highly doubts he’s broadcasting this to anyone.

“I’m guessing you have something on your chest for calling me, last I checked we weren’t in the same city as the Backstreet Boys.”

Brian needs a moment, JC gives it to him. He dresses while he waits; he has all night, really, nothing better to do. He brushes his hair down and pulls the comforter back off his bed before Brian speaks.

“I never imagined my life to be this way,” he sighs. He doesn’t necessarily sound broken but he does sound damn near close to it.

“I’m listening. I’m all ears, Brian.”

“Did you know I had open heart surgery last year?” Brian asks his voice is soft, distant.

JC plays idly with the strings on his pajama pants. “Yeah, I think I read about it somewhere.”

They made it sound like he was dying; like actual rumors were going around that he was dead already. JC knew that wasn’t the case but open heart surgery isn’t something to fuck around with and one slip up and Brian really would have been dead.

“Nothing stopped. Rehearsal went on, shows were scheduled, interviews weren’t postponed and it all just kept going and I felt like shit. I still do, not a moment to breathe, to _heal_ and it’s all kinda driving me crazy,” he says, his voice never wavers.

“Things are falling to complete shit between me and Nick all the while Leigh-Anne and I are becoming more serious, this job is taxing and I feel like my spirit is actually getting crushed by it all. Some of it is just too much, JC. But I’m not like them, I can’t do the drugs and alcohol like AJ and Nick, I'm not strong like Howie and I can’t ignore it one day and then lash out like Kevin. He’s more uptight than me but he has an outlet, ya know. I just can’t _deal_.”

JC actually doesn’t know what to say but he doesn’t have to say anything because Brian starts again, clearing his throat.

“Me and Nick did everything together. Basketball, video games, sing, dance, wrestling. We even slept in the same bed, always roomed together. He was my boy and things are different now and I don’t know what to do.”

 _Now_ he sounds broken.

“Shit,” JC sighs. “You got it bad, man.”

He wants to slap himself in the forehead. Brian laughs and JC settles back into his bed, his body had been tense this whole time, coiled up tight like if Brian were to break into tears he was ready to find a way through the phone to comfort him.

“Yeah but God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle. This is heavy conversation but I feel better already, thanks for listening.”

“Not a problem,” he sighs. He picks up the remote, turning the TV to MTV. They had an interview that was supposed to show today, he probably missed it. “Do you mind me asking about you and Nick?”

Brian hums and it comes over deep through the phone, JC likes it. “Me and Nicky?” JC has a weird feeling Brian is rubbing his chin in thought right now. “He was 13 when we first met and I guess you could say a woman came between us.”

JC frowns, “Seriously?”

“I think he’s jealous or something, I don’t know really. Howie thinks it’s my fault.”

“Is this fucking up the band dynamic or something? Are you guys going to break up so we can steal all your fans and profit?”

Brian snorts a laugh loud enough JC has to pull the phone from his ear. “You wish, man, you’ll never out sell us.”

“Better watch,” he teases. “TRL is even calling us the biggest boy band of all time.”

“Yeah, after us,” laughs Brian. “We unlocked every door you’re walking through.”

“Wow,” chuckles JC. “So it’s like that?”

“Yeah, it’s like that.”

Brian’s accent, _fuck Brian’s accent,_ JC is learning that it gets that much heavier when he’s aroused, tongue rolling lazily to slur his words just that much more. JC was never into country accents but fuck if it doesn’t make his dick jump when Brian’s gets like that.

“That accent again.”

“Are you gonna laugh?”

“No,” JC pauses, fingers brushing along his happy trail. He was never one to beat around the bush. “Think I’m gonna rub one out.”

Brian goes silent, even his breathing has stopped and once again JC gives him his moment to adjust. He trails his fingers along the waist line of his pants and the hair prickles on his arms.

“If you wanted to get me off the phone you only had to say so, man.”

“ _Jesus_ ,” laughs JC. “I was only kidding. It does kinda turn me on though.”

“I never pegged you as a pervert.”

JC huffs, “Not a pervert, just kinky. There’s a difference.”

“Whatever man,” Brian pauses and JC hears the knocks on his door. “Hold on a second JC.”

There’s muffled movement, shuffling and Brian telling someone to ‘wait’. Then maybe a door opening. “She wants to break up with me, Brian, what am I supposed to do?”

JC thinks that might be Howie.

“Hey,” Brian’s voice is back in his ear. “I gotta go, call me later?”

“Sure, man.”

Then he’s gone.

JC sighs, he’s still gonna rub one out.

He lets ‘later’ turn into three weeks.

\--

Leigh-Anne is excited to be going out with them. They don’t usually go out; Brian likes to spend time with just her when she comes to visit. She understands him differently than everyone else, she gets him on a different level and it brings him peace of mind.

AJ has invited them out, he always does, this time they don’t turn him down. She wants to get to know his band mates more and he’s fine with that. He’ll give her whatever she wants.

The club is overcrowded, dark with only flashes of light, blue red purple and greens, lighting up faces for only seconds at a time. Everyone jumps to the beat, pushing and shoving and Brian holds Leigh-Anne’s hand tight until they get to the V.I.P. section.

He ushers her in first like a gentlemen and she makes herself comfortable on the deep red couch towards the back of the room. Even the V.I.P. is crowded with other celebrities. He sees Usher and Jay Z on his first glance, Madonna and Christina on his second. He already wants to go home, but Leigh-Anne is smiling, already being served a drink.

He sits next to her, arm wrapping around her shoulders on the couch. Kevin sits next to him; he wouldn’t have come if Brian hadn’t begged him too. Kevin dragged Howie into it; he’s been in a bad place since Rachel broke up with him.

She couldn’t handle being away from him for months at a time; the long distance was killing her, which Brian found understandable. ‘It’s not for everyone’ he had told him. ‘Maybe it doesn’t feel good now but you’ll look back on this and grow. She was only doing what she thought was best for the both of you, better now than down the road when she resents you for being gone all the time and does something she’ll regret and in turn make you resent her. Trust me; you’ll be okay, man’.

AJ and Nick have already disappeared and Brian only thinks for a second about following them. Kevin is shaking his head when he looks at him. “Just let them go, you didn’t come here to worry about the shit they’re going to get into tonight.”

Leigh-Anne’s leg is bouncing, grazing his thigh every few seconds and he smiles, leaning in close enough to brush his lips against her ear. “Wanna dance?”

She smiles, soft and pretty, taking his hand and pulling him off the couch. “I thought you would never ask.”

They don’t dance like everyone else. He wraps his arms around her waist, not too high but a respectable distance from her ass. He guides her into him, her slim arms wrapping around his neck. He presses his forehead to hers and sways to the music, pulling her closer as people bump and grind next to them. It’s hot and smells kind of funny but Leigh-Anne is a warm comfort in his arms.

They dance long, just like that, long enough for Brian to wonder about Nick again. He prays he isn’t off somewhere snorting coke off a hooker. The thought makes his stomach turn and the feel of Leigh-Anne’s hand touching his temple; a gentle brush of fingers is enough to startle him from his thoughts.

“You’re going to give yourself worry lines,” she calls over the music. He takes her hand, pressing a quick kiss to her palm; he gives her a reassuring smile.

“Can we go back for just a moment?” he yells. She nods, brushing slick blonde bangs off her forehead. He keeps her hand in his as he guides them back towards the table.

Kevin and Howie are huddled together on the couch, giggling over their drinks.

“Did Nick come back?” he calls to them. Howie shrugs and Kevin immediately looks sober, frown on his lips.

“No, why? Did something happen?” he asks.

Brain shakes his head, guiding Leigh-Anne to her seat next to Howie, who smiles, handing her a drink.

“I’m gonna go find him.”

“Told you to leave them alone,” says Kevin, annoyed.

Brian glares at him. He can’t hear him really well but he knows exactly what tone he’s using right now and it rubs Brian the wrong way. “I just want to check on him, Kevin.” He doesn’t see what the problem is.

Nick is doing God knows what and it puts Brian’s teeth on edge being so close and not doing anything. Kevin’s attitude isn’t helping. And neither is the fact that this club is overcrowded, he’s being touched no matter what way he turns and he feels like he can’t _breathe_.

Kevin waves his hand dismissively, leaning back into the couch. “Whatever, Brian, leave your girl sitting here while you go take care of Nick _again_.”

“Are you going to get off your ass to take care of him, Kevin? Someone has to. He shouldn’t even be here.”

“Don’t fight guys. I’m fine, Brian,” says Leigh-Anne.

“Just let them be,” Howie says, patting her shoulder awkwardly, tipsy.

Brian turns to Leigh-Anne. “I'll be back, okay, this won’t take long.”

She nods and Brian turns, setting off to find Nick. He doesn’t usually worry too much about Nick when he goes out with AJ. There isn’t really a point to, he can’t do much from his hotel room and there's no way he can keep Nick locked up inside forever, safe and sound right next to him.

But being here in this club with all these people and all the noise, Brian’s head is running a mile a minute. His fingers are shaking with adrenaline as he pushes through the crowd, he’s not very tall, average at best and it makes it undeniably harder to see over the swaying crowd. For just a moment he spots AJ near the restrooms and then just like that, he’s gone, lost in a sea of bodies.

Brian starts that way. Hopefully Nick isn’t too far behind.

There’s a break in the crowd just in front of the restrooms. Enough space for him to take a breath, he’s sweating suddenly, the back of his neck and forehead damp. He feels closed in, like maybe he’s stuck in a small box without any breathing holes.

He’s feels like he can’t find Nick fast enough. He honestly can’t think straight, all he can think about is Nick and what he’s doing and if he’s okay and if he’s hurt and he knows he’s being irrational that Nick is most definitely okay but his heart is pounding in his chest and he still can’t breathe in here.

Dirty blonde hair pops up in his peripheral vision and Nick is jumping up and down not even two feet from him. Brian is grabbing his arm and pulling him towards the restroom before he’s really thinking about it.

“The fuck, Brian?” Nick yells, pulling his arm away once they're inside. He’s sweaty, panting; eyes glazed over and blood shot.

“Are you _high_?”

Nick scoffs, “No.”

He’s lying. “Fuck, Nick! Is this what you do? Come to these places and snort coke, shoot heroine? This is what the fuck you do.” He’s winded, chest pulling tight. He rubs at his chest scar, maybe his heart is finally giving out, maybe this is finally too much to bear because Nick is barely twenty, getting high in clubs he shouldn’t have been allowed to enter in the first place. What the fuck did he do wrong? Where did he fuck up?

“Fuck you, Brian. You don’t care! You don’t care about me; you don’t care about anything but Leigh-Anne. You don’t care about nothing but yourself!”

Brian’s head is throbbing. “You know that’s not true.”

“Whatever, why don’t you go back to your princess? God forbid you keep her waiting!” And then he’s storming out, roughly shrugging off the hand Brian reaches out to stop him with.

Brian wants to hit something but his heart is pounding so hard he can’t see straight. Panic is sudden and real in the back of his throat, completely closing his air ways. His breath comes out, short and chopped and he places his hand against the stall. The bass fills the restroom as men flow in and out, the stall vibrating with it.

He can’t go back out there.

He pushes into a stall, locking it behind him. Blocking out the weird stares, concerning looks. His fingers are trembling and he thinks he might actually be dying. His body is out of control, over heated with sweat making his clothes stick to his skin, his chest hurts and his heart is probably failing right now, his surgery for nothing and he’s fucking scared, an overwhelming _fear_.

He wants his cousin but he can’t, absolutely _cannot_ , step back into that club. He doesn’t know what to do and he swears the stall is closing in on him. He wants to call out for Kevin, even Nick, wasn’t he just here? But who will hear him? No one. No one will come. He’s helpless and he’s going to die here, he knows it. He can feel it, thick and heavy around him unforgiving doom, he can’t get help, he can’t breathe and solid pure _dread_ has his feet glued to the floor.

Just for a moment his mind clears enough to let him stuff his hand into his pocket and pull out his phone.

JC answers on the first ring. “Hey, not a good time, man.”

Brian closes his eyes. “I can’t breathe,” he forces out on a pant.

“Whoa, what?” JC asks, he actually sounds alarmed. “Hey, take it easy.”

“I can’t, I can’t,” Brian wheezes. He might actually pass out, his stomach clenching so tightly he feels like he might vomit.

“Are you having a panic attack right now? Where are you?”

Brian shakes his head, not that JC can see him. He’s gasping too loudly to answer him right away, anyway.

“Okay, alright,” JC mumbles lowly, tone changing, finding control. It's reassuring. “Hey, take a deep breath. Inhale nice and slow, you’re okay.”

Brian tries, he tries and he tries but the air won’t come. Fear is crimpling and panic sends shivers up his spine, he slumps against the wall, hand clenched to his chest and phone clenched in his hand. He can barely keep it to his ear but JC’s voice is smooth, _grounding_ and completely calm, he doesn’t want to lose it.

“Listen to me, you’re okay. It’ll be over soon, Brian. Try and relax.”

He’s okay, he’s okay. His head still hurts, his chest hurts, _everything_ hurts but he’s okay, he’ll be okay. He repeats it over and over. JC is here, he isn’t alone, he isn’t going to die, and he’s going to be okay.

“Breathe for me, in and out,” JC inhales then blows back out and Brian tries to do the same, over and over until his chest loosens up, until the pain isn’t as intense, until he feels like he’s no longer on the verge of death. “That’s it. Just like that.”

Brian groans when he finally gets a good breath in, his body sliding down to the cool tile floor, exhausted. His body feels drained but that _fear_ , that _terror_ , the feeling is slowly slipping away.

It’s silent for a moment.

“Are you okay?”

Brian sighs, fingers touching his scar through his shirt. “I didn’t know what to do,” he admits.

“It’s alright,” JC sooths. “Panic attacks are scary shit.”

“I couldn’t think of anyone else to call.”

“Brian, it’s okay, seriously.”

“Nicky’s on drugs.” He regrets saying it the moment it’s out his mouth. It’s none of JC’s business. JC could take this to the press if he wanted too, ruin Nick’s name, and ruin the band. “Shit.”

JC seems to realize this at the same time. “You know I’m not going to leak this to anyone, Brian.”

“I know,” he sighs. He doesn’t know but he _trusts_ and that’s all he can do isn’t it? “I know.”

“Where are you?” JC asks again. When Brian starts to pay attention, he can hear JC moving around, things shifting. Brian sighs, he suddenly feels like a ten year old kid. He can’t even take care of himself, calling JC every time something goes wrong. He feels pathetic, sitting on the dirty floor of some club on the phone with a man he’s only officially met once, crying about his friend and his life and he’s so _weak_.

“Don’t worry about it,” he says “You were busy, weren’t you? I’ll let you go.”

“Brian--”

“Thanks, JC.”

He hangs up the phone. He won’t call him again, he’s never been dependent on someone else like that and he isn’t going to start now. He can get through this on his own.

Kevin is pushing at his stall door not even five minutes later. “Brian? Yo, Brian. You in there?”

“Yeah, Kev, I’m here.” He pushes off the floor, unlocking his stall door.

Kevin’s eyes run over him, looking for himself that he’s physically okay. He won’t find anything wrong on the outside but Brian can’t say the same for the inside. “You were gone for like 20 minutes and when Nick and AJ came back to the table without you, I got worried. Are you okay, you look pale.”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he says. “I think I’m going to head back to the hotel.”

“Okay, I’ll go get Leigh-Anne. We’ll come with you.”

Brian nods, moving pass Kevin to wash his hands at the sink. He doesn’t like the way he looks. His cheeks look more sunk in, hollow. His skin is pale but dark around his eyes, lips chapped and eyes dull. He slashes water on his face, the sudden cold making him shiver. “I’ll meet you guys out front.”

Kevin nods, patting his shoulder before making his way out the door. Brian takes a breath, brushing his hair down and drying his face. He needs to get it together; things have never felt so confusing, so boggled up. He’s usually good with any situation can laugh off almost anything but he can’t this time. Not with Nick, not with his weird relationship with JC, not with the out of place feelings he has for Leigh-Anne.

He rubs his temple, desperate to push the throbbing out of his head. He makes his way back out to the club, focuses on the exit and nothing else. The bouncer side eyes him as he pushes out the door, stumbling a bit as the cool night air hits him. He calls them a driver as he leans against the side of the brick building, taking deep breaths because he honestly doesn’t remember outside air being this good.

Kevin is pushing out the door a few minutes later, arm around Leigh-Anne’s shoulders to lead her out the building. Howie comes out next to Brian’s surprise.

Back in the hotel, Howie stays with Kevin. Brian enters the shower when Leigh-Anne is in, they don’t make love, don’t do anything. He can’t bring himself to and she doesn’t force him, she just smiles and passes him the soap so he can wash her back.

When they’re in bed, facing each other he reaches out to touch her face. He hopes she knows how beautiful she is to him. How much it means to him that she’s here with him.

“I had a panic attack tonight at the club,” he whispers. He doesn’t know why he tells her, he doesn’t need her worrying about him. But he wants someone to confide in, to tell things to and she’s his partner, isn’t she? Shouldn’t she be that person? The one he tells everything to. She sighs, bringing her hand up to cover his.

“Are you okay?”

He knows she says it but he hears JC’s voice in his head; firm but just a bit unsure. _Are you okay?_

He nods, “Yeah, I’m fine. Just don’t know why it happened.”

“Have you been having anxiety lately?”

“With this job it’s hard not to.”

She laughs at herself. “Of course. But if it keeps happening, promise you'll see someone about it?”

Brian pulls her against him, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “Yeah, I’ll do that.”

He doesn’t feel that much better.

Nick doesn’t speak to him the next morning but Brian isn’t surprised by it. Brian doesn’t want to talk to him right now anyway, who should really be pissed off at who, here? Nick is the one doing things that he shouldn’t, Nick is the one who doesn’t care about this band, the one who doesn’t care about Brian and sure as hell doesn’t care about himself.

“Are you two fighting?” Leigh-Anne asks when they're on the set of ‘I Want It That Way’.

Brian scoffs, “How could you tell?”

She shrugs, “Nick is usually always paying attention to you, and today he’s not.”

He looks at her, “What do you mean? He does not.”

“Trust me, he really looks up to you. I’ve never seen some one look at another person the way Nick looks at you. Maybe you should be the bigger person here and go talk to him,” she says.

Brian doesn’t want to be the bigger person.

Brian wants Nick to not be snorting coke in clubs and back talking Brian like he’s the bad guy here. He wants for things to be the way they use to be, when they had time to play basketball, when Nick use to come to his room to play video games for the hours that they actually had free. He wants his Nick back.

Leigh-Anne pats his cheek, bringing him out of his thoughts. “I’ll talk to him.”

She pecks his lips. “Good.”

Brian corners Nick on their break, Leigh-Anne has gone back to the hotel. Her flight is first thing in the morning and she wanted to get her things together and catch up on her rest. Brian needed her to go anyway; he doesn’t think he’d be able to confront Nick with her at his back.

Nick is at the buffet table, plate full with enough sweets to make Brian’s teeth hurt.

“We need to talk.”

Nick doesn’t even look at him. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

Brian feels a headache starting just at the front of his forehead. “There’s a lot to talk about.”

Nick rolls his eyes. “Oh my God, Brian, I don’t want to fucking talk to you.”

Brian grabs him by his shoulder, forcing him to face him. Nick has bags under his eyes that weren’t well covered by their makeup artist, blue eyes dark. “What the fuck is your problem? What did I do to you?”

Nick roughly shrugs his hand off his shoulder. “Nothing, you did nothing wrong. You never do anything wrong!”

JC comes to mind and just as quickly is gone. He did nothing wrong there, except he really fucking did.

He doesn’t know anymore.

“Then why are you acting like I did? You're the one acting completely out of control, Nick! Don’t lash out at me for your shit.”

Kevin is suddenly there, arms coming to rest on their shoulders. “C’mon guys, bring it down.”

Nick pushes him away. “No, you're right I am lashing out! Do you know how quick you were to drop me for her?”

“So this is about Leigh-Anne?”

“No, this is about you saying how much you love me, how you’ll never be like my parents, you’ll be better, you'll take care of me and never leave me alone but the moment she looked your way it was like I never existed!” Nick is red in the face, lips wet and eyes narrowed, moist with unshed tears. “Your worst than them you know, at least they never made me any promises.”

Then he’s shoving passed Kevin and out the room.

Brian runs his hand over his face. Well shit.

For a long time he isn’t sure what he should do. They cut the shoot short; they can’t do much since Nick has chosen to leave. Even after, he isn’t in his hotel room and he isn’t picking up his phone.

Brian feels like shit.

Nick was right, he fucked up without even realizing it, so caught up in this thing with Leigh-Anne that he had actually started to neglect him. Somewhere along the line Brian forgot what Nick has gone through with his family, with his parents and he abandoned him almost the same way they did.

He doesn’t know what to do. A simple apology isn't going to fix this. Nick is hurt and fucked up, his trust gone and Brian knows that’s not something he’ll be getting back over night.

Leigh-Anne is sleeping by the time they return to the hotel, he wants to talk to her, learn to better confide in her these things. He wants to tell her what happened with Nick but he doesn't want to wake her, he can’t bring himself to. His chest feels heavy, like he needs to get something off it.

They have to finish the video shoot the next morning if it’s going to be released on time. Brian doesn’t really care about it.

He just wants to talk to Nick.

He can’t sleep so he goes down to the small gym, tosses a couple of hoops on his own. The basketball echoes loudly every time it hits the floor, the sound bouncing off the walls and he’s honestly never felt more alone.

He wants to talk to Nick.

The thought won’t leave him alone. He knows Nick and after something like this he should really leave him alone for a few days, the boy has a temper developed out of nowhere and Brian knows to give him his space. But he can’t sleep; his chest feels too heavy with the weight of things left unsaid.

At one point Brian would have had his own key to Nick’s room, he doesn’t remember when that stopped happening. He goes to AJ’s room, who answers on Brian’s third knock. He has sleep in his eyes, hair messy on his head and drool drying on his chin.

Brian feels his face scrunch up as he leans away, a small snort leaving from between his lips.

“Not funny,” mumbles AJ. “Why you wake me?”

“Do you have a key to Nick’s room?”

AJ disappears back into his room, leaving his door open. It’s a mess inside, as usual. AJ appears a few minutes later, key card in his hand. Brian forces a smile, he hadn’t expected it to hurt, the fact that AJ gets the extra key to Nick’s room now. AJ closes his door the moment the key is in Brian’s hand, no questions asked.

Brian shifts the basketball under his arm, eyes on the little card until he’s in front of Nick’s door. He doesn’t know what he’s doing, what he’s going to say. It doesn’t really matter, he wants to see him. He slips the key card in, pushing the door open when the light flashes green.

The room is dark but the curtains are open, letting the moon light shine in enough that Brian can see where he’s walking. Nick’s room is an even bigger mess than AJ’s which Brian can’t seem to understand, they have room service to clean after them daily, so how on earth does it get like _this_?

Nick is tucked up under his blankets, messy blonde hair sticking out from the top of his bed. Brian sits on the side of the bed, turning the basketball in his hands. He feels weird, like a creep just sitting here, listening to him breathe, soft even breaths.

He feels like he sits there forever, thoughts all running together and the urge to call JC is there, sudden and strong in the front of his mind. But he can’t, this isn’t a problem JC can fix.

He places the ball on the floor and turns slowly, placing one hand on Nick’s other side to support his weight. He tugs the blanket down just a bit, exposing Nick’s face, half of it buried in his pillow. His face is soft in his sleep, nothing like how it was before, all angry lines, red with narrowed dark eyes. Brian likes this face better, he looks even younger and the urge to protect him is sudden and strong.

He brushes his fingers through soft blonde hair. “Nicky,” he whispers. He keeps his voice low, gentle.

Nick doesn’t stir. Brian brushes his fingers through his hair again, dragging his fingertips along his scalp. He does it twice, calling his name again before Nick shifts.

The younger boy’s eyes flutter open, settling on Brian for just a moment before his eyebrows pull together and he’s turning away, burying himself deeper into his pillow.

Brian sighs, fingers still in his hair. “Just listen?”

“Go away, Brian.”

His voice sounds choked up.

Nick is angry first. He’s always angry first, like it’s the only emotion he knows, using it to deal with almost every situation. For him to be like this, for Brian to be able to hear the way tears are closing up his throat, painful and solid, Nick is fucking hurt.

Brian fucked up.

Brian clears his own throat, pushing down the painful knot that forms there. “I never meant to hurt you, Nick.”

“ _Please_ go away.”

Fuck. Brian sighs, shifting closer to him. “I know you don’t wanna hear it. But I need for you to know something. Will you listen to me?”

Nick doesn’t say anything so Brian takes that as a go ahead. He threads his fingers through his hair; it's probably more of a comfort to Brian than it is for Nick. “No one _anywhere_ , will replace what you mean to me, Nick.”

His mind races to form words. “You know things about me, make me feel things that no one else has, not even her. We’ve been through so much together and you need to know how important you are to me. I know I fucked up, I let you think that you were less than her. I let you think that she was more important, that I cared more about her, that I loved her more but I don’t.”

Now that he’s started, he can’t stop. Leigh-Anne is so important to him but she’s not Nick and he can’t believe it took him this long to see that.

“There isn’t a soul on this planet that can mean more to me than you do, Nick. I may not show it like I should but I won’t let you feel like that again, I know it’ll take some time for you to trust me again but it’ll be worth it, I promise. I pray that you’ll believe me.”

Nick doesn’t move but Brian doesn’t miss the way he sniffles, crying. Brian shifts to stand but then Nick is turning to face him, face wet and lip poking out in a pout. He looks pretty, Brian has never thought that about him before. Never thought of him as _pretty_.

“I love you.”

Nick’s voice is so small that Brian barely hears him. They’ve told each other that same thing a thousand times over the last seven years.

But this time…this time Brian hears it differently.

Nick’s breath hiccups, lips wet and soft and for the first time since they’ve met, Brian wants to kiss him. Kiss him soft and gentle and the way he deserves, lovingly and cherished and--

He flushes hot, warm from his ears to his chest. He hesitates; pulling his fingers from Nick’s hair he brushes his thumb over his wet cheek, wiping tears away. “I know.”

“Stay with me?”

Tonight is Leigh-Anne’s last night with him, she’s sleeping only a few rooms down, alone without him. Their tour starts in a little over a month so he won’t be seeing her much in the next few months, he should be with her now. Besides being so near to Nick, when his thoughts don’t feel like his own, he should go.

“Yeah, okay.”

He pulls the blanket down, toeing his shoes off. It’s warm underneath and Brian soaks it up, curling around Nick’s long frame. Nick pulls him in close and Brian feels that weight on his chest melt away.


	3. Just You Wait and See

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait! I'm not really sure if I'll actually be able to finish this! I'll try and push out as much as I can but I'm not making any promises! I'm sorry, it's just been a real struggle...but I certainly don't want to disappoint anyone.
> 
> Anyways, ArynjaT and appleandra, thank you for your comments! They made me smile and as long as one person is happy with my story then I can try my best to keep it going! This story was to satisfy my thirst for rare pair couples, JC/Brian is addicting for me and I never intended on posting it! Before I got myself into this weird ship I too was a Frick & Frack girl! This story was supposed to be solely JC/Brian but *sigh* you see how Nick and Brian wouldn't leave me alone... Anyways, I myself am not even sure how this story will end, if I ever get it finished but I hope you guys stick around for the ride! Thanks again!

Their first show is in Belgium.

Brian is high off energy, his body is flushed hot, sweat slick to his skin. His ears don’t stop ringing even after being back on the bus for an hour. AJ and Howie are singing in the front of the bus, they can’t seem to calm down either. Kevin is at the back of the bus; voice a low mumble as he talks over the phone with Kristen.

Performing is a high hard to come down from but Brian forces his leg to stop bouncing, rubbing his hands together. They did really good tonight, this Millennium tour is on a scale bigger than anything they’ve ever done and Brian is beyond ready for it.

Nick sits next to him, bringing his legs up and dropping his feet into his lap. Brian playfully pushes them off and Nick smiles, putting them back. “We killed it tonight,” he says.

“I can’t believe how big this is,” sighs Brian.

“Tell me about it man.”

Things are high energy for weeks, nonstop touring, promoting their new album, interviews and show performing. It's fast pace and Brian tries to enjoy the ride for as long as he can. He does his best to put Nick before anything else and the blonde is back with him because of it, stuck to his side like glue.

He doesn’t think about kissing him again after that night, but his thoughts about Nick have changed. He notices the little things, the light of his eyes, the way his blonde hair falls over his face, how big his hands are and the rasp of his voice.

He doesn’t think it’s anything to worry about, he’s just noticing different things, that’s all. Really, that has to be all.

The next time he sees JC is on TV.

They have two days off in a row so it’s immediately a hotel night. Nick is in the shower, AJ and Howie are out and Kevin is on the couch, phone to his ear. He literally can’t go more than two hours without talking to Kristen. Brian talks to Leigh-Anne every couple of days, that’s enough for them.

*Nsync is being interviewed by Rosie O’Donnell on MTV; Brian had just been flipping through the channels when the sudden sight of JC caught his attention.

_“Now you boys are right in the middle of a tour, correct?”_

They nod, mutual mumbles of confirmation. _JC_. JC looks really good and Brian doesn’t usually think that about everyone. Usually Leigh-Anne and now maybe Nick but that’s beside the point. It’s been so long since he seen him in person that seeing him now is almost shocking.

He looks about the same, hair maybe a little bit longer. He’s as smooth and charming as he was that night, cool and collected. Not as much of goof ball like Brian, not shady like AJ or sweet like Howie, not even naïve like Nick. He might be most like Kevin but he has this swag about him, this air that Brian can’t see Kevin pulling off.

_“So you know I have to ask, are any of you single? Or do you have maybe a special some one?”_

_“Justin and Britney sitting in a tree,”_ coos Chris. Justin turns red, head turning down and away, shy smile on his face.

_"Yeah,”_ confirms Justin. “ _Me and Britney are a thing.”_

The crowd _awws_ and Justin looks just that much younger as he turns down again. Nick comes out the bathroom, towel around his hips and one covering his hair. Brian doesn’t stare, looking back to the TV as Nick moves to get dressed behind him.

“ _Anyone else?”_ Rosie asks. Joey lefts his hand and Lance but JC’s stays in his lap and although Brian has no right, he feels more than a little bit relieved.

“Why are you watching them?” huffs Nick and Brian hears him fall against the bed. When he glances over his shoulder Nick is fully dressed, propped up on Brian’s pillows. Brian hushes him, sitting on the edge of his bed next to Nick’s feet. “They’re garage.”

Brian reaches back to hit him in his leg without looking. “Shut up, Nicky, seriously.”

“ _Okay so moving back to tours, The Backstreet Boys tour has started as well. Has there been any decrease in sales? Have you noticed more empty seats at your venue?”_ She’s only teasing but Brian can’t help but cringe, she didn’t have to go there but there’s no better gossip than love and rivalry.

Joey gives the crowd a thumbs down, “ _Boo,”_ he says. Brian rolls his eyes, although he might have done the same thing had this been their interview, before he met JC.

The sound of their name on TV has gotten Kevin’s attention, he gives a “Hold on, Kristen,” before he’s pulling the phone from his ear.

Chris shakes his head. “ _They’re actually fuller_.”

“Bullshit,” scoffs Nick.

“Nick,” warns Brian. He’ll kick him the fuck out if he has too.

“ _Is there any_ real _rivalry there?”_ she asks. They all speak at once but JC leans forward, hand waving towards them, quieting them down. They quiet and JC smiles.

“ _Between us and them there really isn’t a rivalry but I mean we do compete for fans and sales and awards, ya know. So there’s competition there but nothing serious between us and the guys. I actually met one of them in person not too long ago and he was a pretty cool guy so no serious rivalry, no.”_

“Bet it was AJ,” mumbles Nick.

“ _Oh, so you’ve like met a member in person? Which one was it? Tell us a little about it.”_

JC chuckles and Brian tries to pretend his heart isn’t pounding in his chest. He knows JC is talking about him, who else could he be talking about?

JC rubs his chin and that secretive smile is on his lips. “ _It was Brian,”_ he says lowly and Brian groans at the way his name leaves his lips. Why does this man do this to him, he barely knows him and yet JC has so much fucking control over him, making him feel like his entire body is on fire just by saying his name. Nick kicks him in his back, bringing him from his trance.

“You met JC?”

“Yeah, why didn’t you tell us you’ve met him?” asks Kevin.

Brian shrugs. “It was a brief run-in in an elevator.”

“ _We met in an elevator,”_ JC echoes him. _“And it was like broken for a short time so we was in it together and we just talked. He was really down to earth, ya know, a good guy. We even joked about hating each other but I wasn’t expecting him to be that nice, so it was cool.”_

_“JC and Brian sitting in an elevator,”_ coos Chris and the crowd laughs, JC smiles, arching his eyebrows with a ‘who knows’ kind of shrug that makes Brian’s neck and ears burn with a flush. The crowd laughs again.

“ _Well it’s very nice to know you didn’t beat him up and threaten to steal his fans.”_ Rosie says.

JC shakes his head. “ _Not Brian, never Brian, he’s a good man._ ”

“God, he sounds like he’s in love with you,” sighs Nick.

“ _You heard it here first, people, JC and Brian will be forming their own band called ‘The Elevators’.”_

She is so not fucking funny but the boys laugh on the couch and Nick laughs behind him.

“ _We’ll be back with *Nsync after this commercial break!”_

They chat with Rosie as the screen fades to black before starting a commercial. Brian lets out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.

“Don’t you love how it wasn’t even our interview and we’re what's being talked about?” asks Nick. Kevin is back on the phone, talking lowly so Nick must be addressing him.

“It was more about me,” he corrects, smiling as he turns to crawl up the bed.

He lies down next to Nick, burying his face in his pillow.

“What was he like?”

Brian plays dumb. “Who?”

Nick hits him in his back with a pillow. “JC, you ass.”

Brian shrugs. “He was cool, we talked about our ‘rivalry’ and AJ being his favorite member and that was all we really had time for.”

If only they knew. Brian can feel heat creeping up his neck as he remembers the way JC leaned against his door frame, laid in his bed, bit at his lips and pulled at his dick.

“AJ?” scoffs Nick.

Kevin grunts disapprovingly.

“That’s what I said,” sighs Brian. He kind of wishes they would both leave now, he had wanted their company earlier in the night but after seeing that, seeing _him._ Brian more than wants to be alone with his thoughts and memories.

They play Nintendo, Kevin leaving 20 minutes into their game. Nick tries not to get frustrated but he’s a sore loser and Brian loves it. He quits after another 20 minutes of losing, crawling under the blankets with a fake pout. Brian is sure he’ll crawl back out after another 10 minutes but the blonde is sleeping only 5 minutes later.

Brian lays awake, staring up at the ceiling, the *Nsync interview playing over and over in his head. He wonders for a moment if JC thinks about him at all. If he ever wants to call him, just to talk or if he ever thinks about their one night together. It’s been months since it happened but every touch burns hot in Brian’s head like it had only happened yesterday.

He glances over to Nick’s bed, the younger boy is curled in on his side, lips slightly parted and eyes fluttering in his sleep, dreaming. Brian pushes out of bed, grabbing his key card and phone he steps out into the hall.

He leans back against his door, pressing his phone to his ear.

“Hello?” JC’s voice is deep with sleep and something pulls tight in Brian’s stomach, butterflies.

“Hey,” he breathes.

There’s a pause, some shifting and Brian holds his breath.

“Brian?” JC sounds surprised.

Brian glances down the hall, brushing his hair down. He isn’t expecting anyone to pass by; it’s late but being here, in the open still puts him on edge. “Yeah, it’s me.”

“You missing me,” chuckles JC. It’s a statement Brian doesn’t deny. He clears his throat, cheeks growing warm.

“I saw your interview with Rosie O’Donnell tonight.”

“Oh, _that_.” Brian can hear the smile in his voice. “Think I said too much, the boys clowned me for hours after. They think I’m your biggest fan or something.”

Brian smiles. “You're saying you’re not?” he teases.

JC laughs, light and easy and something about it relaxes Brian all the way down to his _bones_. He closes his eyes, breathing in deep and slow, listening to the way JC pulls his breath back to regain his composer. He feels calm in this moment, like he has all the other times while on the phone with him. He feels at ease, comfortable in his skin and at peace in his mind. He doesn’t feel rushed, doesn’t feel forced and on edge, he just feels good and he likes it. This _comfort_.

“You’re working on it, remember?” JC snickers.

Brian nods. “Yeah.”

It’s silent but Brian doesn’t feel the need to fill the air with words. He just listens, to the humming of the empty hall, to JC’s breathing, to his own heart beat.

“Do you want to see me?”

JC’s voice is low now, playfulness gone and Brian tries not to shiver. He curls his fingers into a lose fist, bringing it up to press against his chest, his heart is beating fast, something he’s becoming accustomed to.

He feels small all of a sudden, face and neck warm, breath coming out just a bit faster.

“Yes,” he admits softly. He feels like his head is spinning and maybe he didn’t notice until now but he really does want to see JC. He wants to see him, full and whole, his crooked smile and soft eyes and he didn’t think that he did but now the urge is so strong, so sudden that Brian doesn’t want to go another day without seeing him.

He doesn’t understand it.

He’s gone months without his touch, weeks without even thinking about him but he wants him here so desperately now that it actually _hurts_.

“Yeah,” he says again. “I need to see you.”

“Okay,” JC mumbles. “Our next show isn’t for another 3 days, I’ll come to you.”

This feels unreal. Brian leans off the door. “You’re kidding.”

“No,” chuckles JC. “ I mean it, where are you? I might only be able to stay 1 day or just a few hours depending on how far you are but I wanna come see you. I need away from these guys anyway.”

Brian hesitates. “We’re in Amsterdam, we leave for Cologne the day after tomorrow.”

“I’ll hop on a plane first thing in the morning and be there by noon then catch another morning flight, that sound good?”

“Are you seriously going to come here? Go through all that?”

“Do you want to see me, Brian?” JC asks again.

Brian falls back against his door, bringing his thumb up to bite at his nail. “Yes,” he whispers.

“Then I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“JC?” He doesn’t want to get off the phone with him just yet, wants to talk just a little bit longer but he can feel the call coming to an end.

“Yeah?”’

Brian pauses, clears his throat. “Nothing, I just…”

Want to hear more of your voice.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he sighs.

“Tell me,” JC says, amusement in his tone. “I wanna hear what you have to say.”

Brian sighs, rubbing his forehead nervously as he looks down the hall again. He feels like JC already knows, like maybe he can sense the way Brian craves his attention, hanging onto his every word, he just wants to hear Brian say it.

“I don’t want to get off the phone with you just yet,” whispers Brian, like if he’d say it too loud Nick would hear him, come out and clown him for being too clingy.

JC chuckles, voice husky. “Was that hard?”

Brian rolls his eyes. “Do you like making me feel uncomfortable?”

“I enjoy it a little, yeah. I swear I can feel you blushing through the phone. I mean, I don’t really understand _why_ I make you uncomfortable but I like to hear how small and timid your voice gets, sounds good on you.”

_Sounds good on you._

“Well, I’m not usually like this, just so you know.”

“Oh, I know. I’ve seen my fair share of interviews,” he mumbles. “Why do I make you so _shy_ , Brian?”

Brian shrugs. “I don’t know.”

JC makes him _feel_. That’s it. He makes him feel a lot of things, differently than Leigh-Anne. Even different from Nick and Brian can’t describe it but it’s fresh and _easy_ and Brian thinks this is how he should probably always feel. He doesn’t want to let go of it. But it makes him self-conscious; he hasn’t been this way since high school started. He’s so aware of his own voice, of his body’s movements, of his breaths and heartbeats.

“I think you do,” JC says softly. “But I’ll let you tell me when you’re ready.”

Brian doesn’t say anything for a moment. JC has so much patience, it’s astonishing to him. He wonders if he’s like this in his everyday life or if Brian makes him this way too, somehow changing a part of JC the way JC changes Brian.

“This might come off strange but I feel like you know me real well, but we hardly know each other at all.”

“Soul mates, perhaps?” teases JC.

Brian scoffs. “Yeah right.”

“Why wouldn’t you want to be my soul mate?”

“Because you're obnoxious.”

“Hey, I can be…not obnoxious.”

“I’ll be waiting to see the day.”

“Maybe it’ll be tomorrow?”

Brian smiles softly. “Maybe.”

“Tell me you miss me again,” JC sighs suddenly and he’s back to making him feel that way, uncomfortable, Brian’s face warms because this is ridiculous. He tells people he misses them all the time, it shouldn’t be any different with JC but it is because so far _everything_ is different with JC.

“I never told you a first time,” Brian mumbles.

“Oh,” hums JC. “Maybe that’s why I want to hear you say it now. Go on, tell me.”

“No.”

He laughs. “Why not? Isn’t it true?”

Brian decides not to give him a response and JC laughs at his silence, teasing him must be his favorite thing.

“Okay,” he laughs. “Alright, but I have missed you, if that matters. Your cute as hell, I miss it, I like it. I wanna see it.”

“See what?”

“You,” he breathes. “Shit, I can never talk to you for too long.”

Brian pushes up from the door, eyebrows pulling together. What’s that supposed to mean? JC’s words are slurred a bit and Brian wonders if he’s started drinking since the start of their call.

“Why not?”

He hums on his end, shifts around before taking a breath. “I always get hard as fuck when I talk to you.”

“Fuck, JC,” Brian hisses because he wasn’t ready for that. His body immediately responds to his words, hot heat making his gut go tight, dick throbbing in his pants. He grinds the heel of his palm against his crotch to relieve some of the tension. JC is laughing on his end and Brian doesn’t find any of this very funny.

“Every time I get off the phone with you, I jerk off,” he says lowly, smile in his voice. “I can’t help it. You make me wanna touch myself.”

Brian shudders, images flashing behind his lids. His hips jerk and he grinds against his hand, shaky breath leaving from between his lips. “Stop,” he moans. “I can’t do this here.”

“I can,” sighs JC, Brian doesn’t have to see him to know he’s reaching his hand into his pants, taking a hold of his cock. His rough groan only confirms it.

“Don’t, JC.” Because Brian isn’t sure he can handle this, he isn’t going to be able to listen to JC get himself off. How is he supposed to respond? Just listen? He doesn’t have phone sex, it’s never been something he was interested in but JC sounds _breathless_ and Brian is suddenly desperate for it. He can’t do this now, not right here. His mouth is dry, his dick growing hard, throbbing and rubbing against the front of his pajama pants. Fuck.

“Let me,” JC groans, like he needs his permission. He can hear him moving, a subtle shifting, slow and distant. “Fuck, Brian. I want you so fucking bad.”

Brian’s stomach dips and he turns around, pressing his forehead into the cool surface of the door.

Brian hesitates.

JC moans his name.

His mind is made up.

He shoves his hand into his pants, a whimper leaving his lips as he wraps cool fingers around the base of cock.

“Tell me you’re touching yourself,” pants JC. “You are, aren’t you?”

“Y-Yeah,” he groans. He strokes himself, from base to tip, listening to the shaky breaths JC lets out on the other end of the phone. “I’m in a hotel hall way, touching myself because you won’t shut up.”

“Why are you in the hall?” JC has the mind to ask.

Brian ignores him, can’t respond when he brushes his thumb against his tip, smearing pre-cum, his toes curl into the carpet and he groans, shivers running up his spine.

“Fuck,” huffs JC. “ _Shit_ , that’s right, let me hear you.”

Brian isn’t doing anything but panting heavily, desperate to keep his moans in his throat but JC sounds completely out of control, soft whimpers and groans, the shifting and jerking of his arm. Brian pretends he can hear the slick slide of his hand on his cock, louder, faster. He moves his own hand faster, twisting his hand around the head of his cock; his balls pull tight, back arching him towards the door.

“ _JC,”_ he whines, he’s going to come, can feel it building up hot and fast from the base of his spine, flutters in his stomach, tickling just under his balls.

JC groans. “It’s okay, I’m right behind you. Fuck, I’m right—I’m right there.”

Brian pulls himself harder, legs opening wider, eyes closed tight. He pants through parted lips, gasps coming out as little whines he should be biting back.

“C’mon, Brian,” pants JC, voice a rasp. “I’m right fucking there.”

Brian lets it go, his eyes rolling to the back of his head, hand jerking hard and without rhythm as come, hot and wet, fills his hand. He still can’t stop, pleasure enough to make him see white behind his lids, JC’s name on his lips.

“Fuck, _fuck,”_ JC whimpers, voice broken and Brian’s dick jerks in his hand at the sound, squeezing out just a bit more. “Oh my God,” JC is panting and he suddenly sounds far away, bed springs creaking.

Brian takes a shaky breath, pulling his hand off his wet dick. He doesn’t pull his hand out his pants though, he doesn’t think he’ll be able to handle seeing the mess.

It’s silent on the other end, like JC completely disappeared.

“JC?” he sighs. It’s too quiet, the silence of the hall starting to freak him out. He can’t imagine how loud he must have sounded in the emptiness. There’s shifting before JC’s ragged breaths are back in his ear.

“ _Jesus_ , Brian,” groans JC. “Are you okay?”

Brian literally feels his shoulders relax the moment he hears his voice, he hadn’t even realized he had been tensed, holding his breath and waiting for him to say something, anything.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” he says, the come in his hand is drying and uncomfortable and he shifts with a cringe.

“I’m sorry,” JC sighs, “Your voice drives me fucking crazy.”

Brian smiles, it probably shouldn’t make him feel as good as it does. Having power like that is dizzying and he never thought he could make someone lose it like that, he never knew he could have someone so attracted to him that his voice alone can get him off.

“I gotta go,” whispers Brian. “I gotta get cleaned off.”

“Okay,” he sighs. “Yeah, me too.”

Brian still doesn’t want to get off the phone with him.

JC chuckles. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Goodnight, Brian,” laughs JC.

Brian sighs. “Goodnight.”

He forces himself to hang up and feels utterly _alone_ the moment he does, silence all around him. He hadn’t expected that kind of call when he first decided to call him, he just wanted to hear his voice, maybe catch up a bit. He hadn’t expected to get off the phone and still have the urge to talk to him, still want to hear his voice and his laugh. Brian groans, he is so fucked.

When he enters the room, Nick is still thankfully asleep, arms and legs spread out, blanket pushed down to his thighs. Brian heads straight to the bathroom and cleans himself up, it’s just pasted 3 when he comes out and as he’s lying down he hears Howie and AJ coming up the hall, rowdy and annoying.

Brian sighs, if he had be on the phone for another 15 minutes he would have been caught, hand in his pants and all.

He doesn’t remember falling asleep but the sound of Nick closing the bathroom door behind him is what wakes him up and it’s suddenly morning. His body is unusually relaxed, warm and lose, the kind of calm that can only come after an orgasm. He’s alone, it’s not like anyone knows but it doesn’t stop the embarrassed flush that starts at his neck, spreading hot up to his ears.

He stretches with a hum, rubbing his hand down his chest to his navel. He feels good though, lazy, doesn’t want to get out of bed. But Nick comes out a few minutes later, smiling at him.

“Morning man, rough night?”

Brian arches an eyebrow at him. “No, why?”

“I heard you talking to Leigh-Anne in the hall last night.”

Brian sits up, feeling his body flush with a blush. “What?”

Nick shrugs, turning to his bag, pulling out clothes. “I couldn’t hear what you were saying and I fell right back to sleep after I realized it was you so don’t freak, I didn’t hear anything embarrassing.”

“Alright,” Brian says slowly. He doesn’t correct him. “Did you…feel some kinda way that I was talking to her?”

Nick pulls on a shirt before shimming out of his shorts. He doesn’t say anything for a dragged out moment and Brian almost calls his name, just to see if maybe he’s being ignored right now, like maybe Nick’s feelings were hurt at the thought of Brian sneaking off to talk to Leigh-Anne.

“Listen,” Nick says finally, he isn’t looking at Brian, something Brian doesn’t miss. “I don’t care that you talk to her, I mean, she is your girlfriend. I just—I didn’t like feeling blown off for her. I don’t…”

He pauses, threading his fingers through blonde hair. Brian can’t see his face but he can tell he’s picking and choosing his words carefully. “I don’t like feeling neglected.”

This is the first time they’ve actually spoken about this since the night Brian went to him. Nick isn’t that open about these kind of things, he lashes out, angry but he never lets anyone know why, he doesn’t tell them he’s hurting or how he’s hurting. So this is new, for the both of them, and only slightly awkward.

“Yeah, I get that. And you don’t deserve to feel that, not with anyone.”

Nick turns to look at him with a shrug and a lazy smile, like their entire short conversation never happened. “Me and Howie and AJ are going shopping, you wanna come?”

Brian nods, “Yeah. I think I will, let me get ready.”

He isn’t sure what time JC’s flight will be touching down but he’s sure he can get some personal time in with his band mates before he arrives. He’s on edge the entire day, mind buzzing around the fact that he is coming, on his way right now to see Brian.

He’s excited, catching himself smiling on more than one occasion, in a happier mood than he has been in a while. They goof off as they shop, taking pictures with fans in between stores, playing hide and go seek, which is just Brian and Nick, at least once in each store, until it’s time to head to the venue and get ready for their show.

Energy is high, more so with Brian than anyone else. It’s getting late into the night, getting to the end of their set list when Brian remembers he never told JC what hotel they’re staying at, or how to find him at all for that matter. JC has to have realized this by now, he’s going to show up in Amsterdam and not have a clue where to go, or worst, not show up at all.

The thought actually upsets him more than it should and by the time their show is over and they're stepping off stage; he’s a bit worked up. Mind spinning around with just a taste of panic. If he doesn’t come now it will definitely be another few months before they can see each other again. His stomach is tied up in knots, he doesn’t register taking the bottle of water Mike hands him or what he’s saying as he taps him on the back.

“Who?” asks AJ. They’re being ushered quickly to their dressing room, the hall buzzing with stage hands and dancers and musicians and Brian can hardly hear what’s being said.

“He just showed up outta nowhere, he’s waiting in your dressing room,” calls Mike.

Brian’s heart thuds in his chest. “Who?” he calls louder.

Mike pats him on the back again, leaning down so his mouth is closer to Brian’s ear. “JC from *Nsync.”

_Holy_ _shit_.

Brian takes a breath, feet suddenly feeling heavy and sluggish the closer they get to their room. His heart is beating just a bit too fast in his chest and he brings his hand up to touch his scar through his sweater. He could blame it on adrenaline from the show but it never slows down, nervous sweat building on his temples where it had just been cooling.

AJ is the first to enter the room, followed by Nick and then Kevin and then Brian pushes through almost at the same time as Howie, Mike just behind them. He feels like they’re piled on top of each other, rushing to see if what Mike said was true.

It’s true, so very, very true. JC is sitting on their black leather couch. Another man standing on the left side of the room that Brian can only guess is his bodyguard. JC smiles, warm, friendly as they stare at him. Brian’s breath catches a bit in his throat, chest tight. He’s in loose dark jeans and a black t-shirt, black hair spiked up with frosted tips. His cheeks look just a bit flushed, blue eyes bright and the sight of him is actually dizzying, so real and here now.

JC is _here_ now. He looks so young and handsome, here and in the flesh, and the more Brian focuses on him the more his presence is overwhelming.

“You’re here, because?” asks Nick.

“Remember your manners,” sighs Kevin.

“Yeah,” Brian finds himself saying. He can feel the words leaving his lips, can feel his tongue forming them but he literally has no control, everything running on auto pilot. “Don’t be rude.”

JC looks at him, just a glance but in that moment Brian’s breath stops, heart fluttering so hard he might actually be sick, before Kevin is stepping forward and extending his hand. Although he only had his attention for a moment, he feels the back of his neck burn, palms damp and clammy with sweat. He suddenly thinks this is a bad idea. He hasn’t been this shy around a person since April in middle school, they dated for 6 years, he hasn’t been this speechless since Kevin called him for the Backstreet Boys audition, and he’s now in the biggest boy band in the world.

“I’m Kevin, nice to meet you,” he says, southern accent thick.

JC stands to shake his hand. “Likewise, man. You guys must be wondering why I’m here, I’m sorry for just showing up like this.”

Kevin chuckles, ever the humble gentleman. “We are kind of curious. I mean you're in the middle of a tour right now as well, aren’t you?”

Everyone is silently watching their conversation, looking on with different amounts of interest. AJ looks like he’s ready to leave any moment, he doesn’t really care why JC is there, Brian can tell just by the way he shifts his feet, glancing at the clock on the wall. Howie looks interested enough just that something different is in their routine; he’s humble like Kevin and will most likely stick around just to ensure JC is treated like a guest. Nick looks annoyed, like a little kid who just found another kind playing on his turf.

“Yeah,” says JC, he scratches his cheek with his index finger, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “Yeah I am, I have some time off,” he says. He clears his throat and looks at Brian from under his lashes and then –“I actually came to see Brian.”

All eyes turn to him.

Brian literally feels red. Like he can actually feel the color, hot, burning, aching red. He clears his throat, JC smiles and his blue eyes shine. Brian suddenly feels like maybe he’s loving this, watching Brian squirm uncomfortably under his band mates gazes. He doesn’t know why JC is like this, makes him feel so uneasy but at the same time Brian can feel JC next to him, willing to follow whatever pace Brian sets, to follow his lead and back him up no matter where Brian takes this. When Brian looks to him, JC licks his lips and gives an encouraging nod.

It gives him the confidence to speak.

“I’ve been in touch with JC for a while now, I just haven’t really told anybody.”

AJ suddenly looks more interested.

“Your business is your own,” Kevin says and Nick is giving him a dismissive wave before he’s even finished his sentence.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Nick asks.

Howie is speaking before Brian can open his mouth. “Hmm, I don’t know Nick, maybe it was your obvious dislike for everything *Nsync that kept Brian from telling you he was friends with one of their lead singers.”

Nick gestures towards JC. “We’re literally competing against them for sales, Howard.”

“We’re all grown and professional, Nick, we can be friends,” sighs Kevin, he turns towards JC. “Stay as long as you’d like, a friend of Brian’s is a friend of mine.”

He moves further into the dressing room, preparing his things to leave.

Howie moves next, following after him. “Yeah, Brian is usually a pretty good judge of character. If he thinks you’re alright then you must be.”

“Thank you,” JC says.

AJ pats him on the shoulder “You like to party?”

JC smiles. “I do, actually.”

“I’m heading out tonight, you wanna come?”

JC arches his eyebrows in surprise.

“AJ is always looking for a drinking partner,” sighs Brian. He starts to pack up his things. “You can go with him if you want but I’m going back to the hotel.”

“I came to see you, didn’t I?”

The room seems to go still, or maybe it’s just Brian’s imagination. He swallows thickly, pausing in packing his things to look over his shoulder at JC. It seems like a rhetorical question but Brian feels the need to answer. JC just gives him a light shrug, smiling softly.

“Okay then,” AJ says slowly, dropping his hand away from JC’s shoulder. “Suit yourself man. What about you, Nick?”

Nick shakes his head. “No thanks, man, I’ma hang with Brian. And JC too, I guess.”

“Yeah, me too,” chimes in Howie.

“I wasn’t even going to ask you, Howie.”

Brian sighs, because this, all of his band mates tagging along, wasn’t what he had in mind when JC said he was coming to visit. He should probably feel guilty but all he wants is to be alone with him. He casts a quick glance at JC, he’s smiling and doesn’t look a bit perturbed that he might be leaving without a second alone with Brian.

They pack up their things; Brian makes sure he has his phone, record player, basket ball and his change of clothes. They give JC a hat and hoodie and he walks with his head down when they sneak their way to the van, JC’s bodyguard following in a taxi behind them.

“How did you even get here without anyone seeing you?” asks Kevin on the way to the hotel.

JC chuckles, he’s sitting at the front of the van next to AJ, far from where Brian is sitting in the back next to Howie and he tries not to feel bitter about it. “It wasn’t easy, dude. I felt like a secret spy. Ducking and dodging always having my head covered. Some girls recognized me on the plane but Jason got them to calm down before they made too big of a fuss and some fans saw me at the airport when we landed. I signed some shirts and then I was off to being a ninja again.”

“How did you know where we were playing?” asks Nick.

“It’s not hard to find out what venue the Backstreet Boys are performing at but Jason found out for me before we even left for the airport.”

“Does your management know you’re here?” Kevin asks.

JC scoffs, “Nope.”

“ _Rebellious_ ,” chuckles AJ. “It’s rare that _Brian_ brings that out in a person.”

Brian huffs, tossing his hands up. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’re boring,” laughs AJ.

“I’m the funniest member of the band!”

“Yeah but you don’t do anything bad or even _questionable_ for that matter.”

“Yeah,” chimes in Nick. “You never do anything wrong.”

“Whose side are you on?” Brian says. Nick shrugs. “I’ve crossed a line or two.”

“Yeah, right,” says AJ “What lines have you ever crossed?”

The van falls silent.

If only they fucking _knew_.

“Lay off, AJ,” sighs Kevin.

“What?” chuckles AJ. “I ain't do anything.”

“You’re being a big shot because JC’s here and it’s not funny, now lay off.”

Brian hits his head off the window and Howie chuckles, patting his leg. Fuck AJ because he does that shit on purpose and he really doesn’t need Kevin coming to his rescue like some kid. He feels his chest clench with both embarrassment and frustration. This is not how the night was supposed to go but what was he expecting? This whole thing was horribly planned and Brian only has himself to blame, he had been so desperate and eager to see JC that he didn’t think any of this through.

JC doesn’t seemed bothered in the slightly by any of this and Brian wonders if he had been eager at all to see him. When he looks up JC and AJ are talking again, something about clubs around the world and Brian remembers that AJ is supposed to be JC’s ‘favorite member’. Something ugly and hot pulls at his gut and he quickly pushes down the feeling of jealousy, he doesn’t have the right.

Not when JC came all this way to see him, not when Brian has Leigh-Anne. He shouldn’t be doing this, having this relationship with JC when he has a loving girlfriend, one who would never think he would do something like this to her.

He’s _cheating_ on her.

He suddenly feels like throwing up, head spinning. Fuck, he’s actually cheating on her, that’s seriously what he’s doing and with another _man_ at that.

How could he let this happen? He’s already in so deep, already desperate for JC, always ready for his next fix of him, he’s already keeping it from her, hiding it effortlessly from his band mates like it’s always been like this, like its second nature, like its natural. JC slid right into his life and soundlessly fucked up everything.

When they pull up to the hotel, Brian can’t get out the van fast enough, the cool air is refreshing on his face and he breathes, hard, calming his breath.

“Are you okay, man?” Howie asks, hand on his shoulder. “You look pale.”

Brian forces a nod. “Yeah, I’m good.”

He wishes JC wouldn’t look at him like that, with narrowed eyebrows, blue eyes concerned. Brian kind of wants to go to him but all of this is kind of his fault to start with.

He can’t blame JC though, he was the one with the girlfriend, he’s the one that came on to him in the elevator, Brian is the one that called first, _each_ _time_. He can’t blame anything on JC.

Kevin is the first in his room when they reach their floor, followed by AJ. Jason, JC’s bodyguard, is two floors down and Howie pauses in front of his, door open just a crack.

“I’m gonna hit the showers, then I’ll be over. Maybe we can hit up the hotel arcade or swimming pool,” he says.

“Me too, let’s do arcade, swimming is exhausting,” sighs Nick.

“Sounds good,” mumbles Brian, JC is standing behind him, hands in his pockets. Howie disappears into his room, then Nick is gone and it’s just them, alone in the hall.

Brian clears his throat, digging in his pocket for his key card. JC follows him into his room without a word. It’s the first time they’ve been alone together for months, a time Brian thought would never come. He bites the inside of his cheek and despite the guilt tugging at his chest, despite his earlier thoughts about Leigh-Anne and despite how _wrong_ all of this is, he can’t make himself not want it, want him.

When Brian turns to look at him, he’s leaning back against the door, bag dropped at his feet and hands still in his pockets. He’s causal and Brian is reminded of their time in the elevator, JC looks like he could go either way, that in this very moment they could either be friends or lovers.

JC arches an eyebrow. “So?” he asks softly.

“You can kiss me.”


End file.
